Exploring the secrets to a long marriage.

How many books do you suppose have been written advising you what to do to remain married for a long time? Two thousand, three thousand, one hundred thousand? Suffice it to say, it’s a lot. Nonetheless, the annual divorce rate remains at more than 50%. Ouch!

I Googled “books on happy marriage”. In a scant .42 seconds, Google came up with 16,600,000 results, that’s what. The first dozen or so were written by laymen and PhD folks, none of whom had been married more than 30 or 40 years. Look here, I’ve been married more than 56 years, so, doesn’t that qualify me just as much as one of those talking heads? I certainly think it does. So, here goes Jack and Jill Public.

First off, living together for a time guarantees nothing except free sex pretty much as often as you like. Because there is no “license” or firm commitment, both parties know they can easily walk away, no harm, no foul. In my mind, it’s a colossal waste of time. Better to get to know your intended mate the best you can by doing lots of things together first.

The male of our species is an oversexed, selfish slob who fears bending over to pick up his own socks. Think about it. What little boy have you ever known who kept his room picked up, let alone clean? How about the teenage or young adult man? It isn’t going to happen. Therefore, it is incumbent on the man to at least occasionally pick up after himself if he intends a happy marriage. (Notice I have not mentioned sex, yet.) By all means, remember to treat ladies with softness, opening doors, etc.

Forget all that other stuff you’ve heard about women. It just complicates the issue. Here is the simple abbreviated truth: 1) Women need to have a reasonable sex appeal. 2) Women need to have a reasonably pleasant personality. That’s it. Everything else is icing on the cake. They really don’t need to have the “Big Three”—big boobs, nice butt, great legs—and most don’t.

So, here’s the thing. Guys want sex. A woman who measures the quantity of that pleasure by the quantity of help around the house from the man is a successful magician. On the other hand, sex will not placate the man if the wife is a constant nag. It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard.

“Harry. Harry, are you listening. Harry, put down that paper and pay attention. Harry, did you wipe your feet? Mother’s coming.”

So, I figure if the guy picks up his crap and helps around the house from time to time, and the gal attends to the pleasure thing while keeping the nagging to a minimum, they both are in for a good 50 years of wedded bliss. See there. Easy. By the way ladies, the longer you hold out the quicker you’ll get that diamond ring.

‘Scuse me, I’m on my way to the Chauvinist Society meeting. —  D. C. ‘Dan’ Lee